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welcome to lynette's blog! (:

@ 07 August 2009 : 8/07/2009 09:17:00 pm

i have been really busy lately. and probably will only have time to update only once in a while.

mostly these few days i have been thinking a lot about myself, a phase of self questioning.

really.

i just wonder. who am i really? a strong girl that no matter how tired she is, will not give up on herself and will not give up on helping the people around her. yes? no? yet, there are times, i really feel that i am just a weak person. i really feel like giving up on myself, giving up on caring for the people around me,that do not even realise my existence.

yet, i just seem to be unable to bring myself to do it. it's like, it feels second nature to me. always being there for anyone who seems to need it, much as i don't have the energy and ability to do so.

it's like, there seems to be a mask. a mask that i put on frequently. in front of majority of the people, i am that crazy girl who always says hi to every friend that i meet in school or outside, that tries to liven up the sombre mood of events, that always has crazy stunts. yet, deep rooted inside me, there seems to be this unearthed loneliness and sadness. is it because of everything that has been happening lately? i don't know, but that could be a possibility.

you know, after the many ct investiture rehearsals, i realised that being a class chairperson is really no mean feat. to be able to handle everyone in the class without offending anyone of them, it's like climbing mount everest. you want the class to be bonded. but they resist it. you ask them something. and their answer is anything. or worse still, they don't care. all the sacrifices that you have made, you wonder, are they worth it? i really do not know the answer. even though there is this repeated saying that you are not out to please people but to please God, but has anyone shared that it will be very tough.

and then being a repeat j1 student just adds in to your stress. you have to do well. you must do well. and you cannot fail anymore. and that fact just keeps staring at you millions of times.

life is tiring, one might say. and i have to agree. it is indeed tiring.

but i have to keep trusting God, i guess. trust trust trust.

can i do it?

well, i shall see.